What has happened to us?
Why are we so filled with fear and anger toward each other?
When did we stop seeing our common humanity and begin seeing only the aspects of others that fill us with rage?
Mutilated puppies, angry fathers publicly shaming their kids for all the world to see, children taking their own lives in front of their classmates — these images are scrolling down the screen of my awareness and hardly a one contains a message of love that isn’t skewed through the lens of despair.
What have we done? WHO HAVE WE BECOME???
I try, God, really I do, to be honest and loving and courageous and forgiving, but I fall short. And in my falling short, I become angry because I expect more of myself on your behalf. Yet, there are people who tell me it doesn’t matter. Because of what I am, I will never be acceptable in your eyes but it will be acceptable for them, even admirable, to deny all that I do in my effort to please you. They even think they are ordained to metaphorically stone others like me in the public square and brag about it to their buddies, saying that you told them it was okay.
I probably don’t need to tell you, but rhetorically, do you realize just how many of your children have given up trying to know you because they’ve been told they are not acceptable in your eyes? The grown up versions of those children who might have reconsidered have turned away because they hear people spew hate toward them for loving others, including (place name of marginalized group here)________. And there are those who loudly profess their love for you then shoot an inanimate object full of holes because they don’t know how to express their love, your love, to their own children and yours.
And do you know why I fight for a woman’s right to choose? Because I’ve seen what this life can do to those who don’t feel loved and I don’t want to see another person come into this world without a chance to find happiness. I don’t want to see another puppy’s face burned off by acid because someone who was so bereft of love could only feel pleasure by causing someone else pain.
But you know who suffers most in the end? You do, God, and the others you’ve put here to be taken care of by the rest of us. Those who self-righteously place a disconnect between me and you not only affect my relationship with you but the relationships of those who see beyond what I am to who I am. Maybe they’re going to hell with me but at least they were the ones who stepped forward in that public square and challenged others to cast the first stone. I hope you’ll remember that when they’re standing before you.
We think we do no harm when we make a joke that gets laughs about someone whose life “is a good example of why her parents should have used birth control”. We think that when our child humiliates us publicly online that it is acceptable to respond in kind, threatening the child’s life, if only as a lesson. Yeah, yeah, I know you told Abraham to burn his son Isaac on a pyre and then said “just kidding”, so maybe that guy was justified in his mind. Sometimes I don’t get your sense of humor at all.
So here I am, like that guy’s daughter firing off a screed against her dad online just to see if I’ll get some response from you. I’ll have to hope that you are a better father than he is.
Are you sure you’re there, God? I’m really starting to wonder….
This is so true. Why can we not be loved by all know matter our choices in life. And why those who think they are talking for “god” think they are right. Who told them they are in charge of this world.
God is here in those of us who love you, at least.
Thanks Ellen. When I read this, I thought of this prayer posted by “The God Article” today. I think you have been blessed this way…
May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.
And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide,
be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.
AMEN
by Sr. Ruth Fox, OSB (1985)
Thank you, AWM, and by extension, Sr. Ruth Fox. I think we are all trying to do the right thing, even when what others deem as “the right thing” seems foreign to us. I have to admire those whom I disagree with for at least standing up for what they believe in. It’s better to participate and make your voice heard than to hide in fear of recrimination. And sometimes it is by exercising our right to speak that we hear what we are actually saying and how it is received. We’re all trying….
Thank you so much for this post and what you are sharing in this blog. My heart hurts with yours.
You are not going to hell Ellen. I hope you can find some peace <3 I don't have answers except to say you are loved, unconditionally by God- the real one, not the human twisted and manipulated version.
Love is strong and love is healing. I wish I could surround you in the truth of that to help restore some of your connection.
Ellen,
You have such a gift for honesty, for a certain degree of transparency, for wrestling with the right stuff. I so agree that God could use better representatives on his behalf than those whose language and demeanor is one of hate, and exclusion. I liked this sentence:
“I try, God, really I do, to be honest and loving and courageous and forgiving, but I fall short. And in my falling short, I become angry because I expect more of myself on your behalf.”
This says to me that you are loving with others, and at the same time “hard” on yourself. Sometimes I ask folks what would they say to another person who was being self judgmental about themselves– generally they say something kind and merciful, filled with graciousness. . . — so say that to yourself and believe it.
Still, sometimes I think I would like to be “hard” on myself– holding myself to my ideal self. . . striving for it. . . but very easy on everyone else– that is easier to do sometimes with those who know their need than with those who really believe they channel God.