Angry John or Forgiving Jesus?

Yesterday I almost had a melt-down in a Southern Baptist church in Tampa, FL. I’ve visited this church in the past and never before felt the urge to stand up and scream, but yesterday I did. My emotions boiled and bubbled. 

I carry my father’s opinions about religion with me nearly 20 years after his death. He was a conservative guy, not so much as a preacher, but as a human being. He had certain opinions about things, and since he wouldn’t have taken well to being called judgmental, we didn’t push it. In the 1970s he would clutch his head when either “Jesus Christ Superstar” or “Godspell” would play on the hi-fi (which they often did in a house full of teenagers raised on the Beatles and The Rolling Stones). Yesterday, he would have clutched his chest and fallen to the ground if he’d seen the electric guitars and drum set blaring away on the altar with their “Praise” music. I clutched my own chest in Dad’s stead.

I hadn’t been to church in a while before yesterday. We went to hear a friend of ours speak about a mission trip to Southeast Asia where she is serving as a nurse practitioner to the local impoverished people. She’s been over there for about a year of her 3-5 year commitment. 

The recounting was wonderful and amazing. I was proud of her for doing it but as I listened to her describe her work,  I felt worse and worse for NOT having done such a thing myself. She was serving the world and I had chickened out on my own spiritual journey and ended up in another relationship in suburban Florida. 

What really got to me was that this woman that people were anointing with praise and admiration had been in a relationship with another woman before leaving on her journey. For a couple of years the two had been involved in the musical life of this church but took great pains to not let anyone know that they were a couple since the Southern Baptists vehemently condemn homosexual relationships. Each time I entered the church to witness one of their performances, I felt the tearing sensation of hypocrisy in my chest and had difficulty enjoying the concert.

Christianity for me has never been about condemning other Christians, but in light of the various marriage amendments that have been again declaring homosexuals abominations and sinners worthy of death, I don’t know what to do. My anger is constantly seething just below the surface.

After a difficult night of trying to reconcile my reaction, this morning I read in the Hope for Peace and Justice newsletter the following from Rev. Mike Piazza: 

Matthew 11:1-19

In chapter 4, following the Baptism of Jesus, John the Baptist is arrested by Herod and thrown into prison. At his baptism, John declares Jesus to be the one sent from God with a “winnowing fork” in his hand. Apparently, he now is having second thoughts. John sends his disciples to ask, “Are you the One, or should we be looking for another?”

I know how John feels, don’t you? I mean, I love Jesus, but when I’m in trouble or pain or distress he seems altogether too passive for me. John had read all the Hebrew prophets’ predictions of the messiah, and he fully expected someone who would vigorously sort the wheat from the chaff. John came breathing fire and warning, “Just wait until the Messiah gets here … ”

Then Jesus comes along suggesting that we needed to forgive our enemies, turn the other cheek, and go the extra mile. In answer to John’s question, Jesus tells his disciples to go back and tell him what they have seen and heard:

Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the poor have good news brought to them. And blessed is anyone who takes no offense at me.

Jesus describes the work he is doing, and ends by saying “blessed are those who aren’t offended” by this vision of the messiah. I don’t think he meant John so much as all of those who are offended by a messiah who brings peace rather than a sword. The ancient Jews certainly were not the only religious people to believe that the “enemies” of God would be punished and the “friends” of God rewarded. They were not the last who thought that the good news was for the rich, powerful and successful, not the poor to whom Jesus came.

John isn’t the last person who thought Jesus ought to be more judgmental, vengeful and just. Even now, Jesus is used to uphold our prejudices and to reinforce our righteous anger. Like John, few of us really want to be a disciple of a healing liberator who is on the side of the poor. We keep looking for another, or making Jesus into another type of messiah that better suits our needs.

That was God speaking directly to my anger. For me, Christianity has always been about the teachings of Jesus. While all that preceded his coming is important, it was the birth of Jesus that was supposed to have changed us all from legalistic judges of each other to forgiving believers in a power greater than ourselves. I failed miserably in my own mission yesterday. 

Last night as I looked at my reaction to this situation, I was so humiliated by how I had treated others. I saw how hypocritical I was being. As I stood there stewing about the rock music on the altar I was ashamed that I had not evolved to embrace this new means of worship, had not left behind the grand organ music I was brought up on in the Congregational Church. Even as a musician, I could not appreciate the intent of these fellow musicians to create a new pathway to God. And my missionary friend had put aside her own selfish needs to travel halfway around the world to serve like the true Jesus in an area that would sooner have her killed for her beliefs, yet she could not stand up in this church in a civilized country and declare her love for another woman without the same fear.

I was not a Christian yesterday. I was John the Baptist, there in the church he started, insisting with righteous anger that someone DO something about this situation instead of allowing the love of Jesus to gently take me into his arms and comfort me. I was a tantrum-throwing zealot of my own mission instead of an innocent child. 

I am neither a good Christian nor a good gay person some days. All I know is that lately it feels as though the twain shall never meet. Maybe I am living my mission by being here in this place, at this time, but today I am an angry John the Baptist and all I can do is pray that tomorrow I will be a forgiving Jesus…

A Light in the Darkness in Tampa Bay

“Inasmuch as a marriage is the legal union of one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized.”

It’s much later the same day and I’m back from the Vote NO on 2 rally in Tampa. I am energized in a way that I haven’t been in a long time. Thank you, all of you enlightened politicians and clergy people in the Tampa Bay area! 

I found out how easy it is to get drawn in to the empty rhetoric of the Christian right who seem to have forgotten that the most basic tenet of Christianity is love. ”This is my commandment: that you love one another as I have loved you” – John 15:12. See? I can quote the Bible too, in 20 different versions with the help of the Internet. 

Today, I witnessed love. People of all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life, coming together to affirm their love for each other and for the sake of others who cannot stand free in the open air because their lives are still hidden, by necessity. 

A few people from the UCC I attend in Tampa stood without fear, holding up signs proclaiming the injustice of this amendment to the families who were emerging from the Lowry Park Zoo. I’m not sure how many they drew into our occasion, but they made it clear that change was in the air. 

I expressed to some of the people there the misgivings I’d been having since reading some of the blogs I’d found on the Internet. They assured me that God was still with me, guiding me as always. I won’t go so far as to call the conservative blog folks evil, but there were some suggestions in that direction. 

Tonight I was walking my dog down the street after plugging my “Vote NO on 2″ sign into the ground at the edge of my driveway. In the distance I saw a couple of people with some more dogs and there was some commotion going on. As I got closer, I realized that it was a couple of my more distant neighbors, a couple of middle-aged sisters (literal, not metaphorical) who live around the block. I run into them from time to time and they are delightful people. They had seen my other dog rolling around in the road and, not recognizing her, had become concerned so they’d been checking with my neighbors to see who she was. Then I happened along…

The other day I passed by their house and saw a McCain/Palin sign in the yard. It surprised me. These two, whose parents actually live in the house, had always struck me as the loveliest spirits I’ve encountered. Sweet, gentle, sort of Nordic looking. They didn’t strike me as Republicans (am I stereotyping or what!). 

We chatted on the sidewalk, comparing stories about our dogs, and I was emboldened by a glass of wine to bring up the subject of Amendment 2. As seems to be true of most of the people I’ve talked to, they had no knowledge of the amendment. It took only a sentence or two for me to get them saying “No way! Really??”

This is the tragedy of this amendment. It’s language obscures the real intent which is to permanently ban gay marriage. In other states where such measures have passed, lawsuits have flooded their legal systems, costing the taxpayers untold money (that statement is for the folks who are only concerned about finances).

As we finished our conversation with them offering to help in any way they could, I mentioned to them that I’d been making it a point to identify the angels in my life lately. There they stood, silhouetted by the street light, their blond hair glowing, and I realized that I had found two more…

Vote No on 2

Since I last wrote, I have gotten myself in a real twist.

Here in Florida, an amendment is up for a vote that will essentially take away some hard fought and won rights achieved by non-married people, by redundantly declaring marriage as between one man and one woman. This law is already on the books through the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).

In exploring this issue, I have come across some virulently anti-gay blogs that have left stab wounds to my soul. Part of my pain comes from realizing just how easy I’ve had it in my life compared with many others who have had to struggle to find and maintain their sense of self. I have said many times that it is up to each of us to stand up and be recognized but that has never been difficult in my world. I have lived in some very accepting places.

But here in the south, it’s all different. Though in my own neighborhood I feel mostly welcome, all around me, and perhaps even behind the closed doors of my closest friends, it’s different. Through the blogs I’ve been reading, I realize how much easier it is for us to anonymously voice our opinions. Some people even feel that it is okay to make threats. But it is much harder for a person, without the aid of his or her “gang” to say what they believe to be true.

The Bible is being tossed around like a hot potato. I will readily admit to not being well-versed in scripture, so when I hear one being directed at me, I am forced to check into it.

And it scares me…. What if they’re right?

Gay & Christian — A Marriage?

What times we are living in!

When I came out 25 years ago, the world was a very different place. It wasn’t long after the Stonewall uprising, and the gay community was just beginning to move out of its embryonic stage and was growing up to be a viable entity. Then came the harsh reality of the adolescence of our journey — AIDS. Many have fallen in the struggle to establish a sense of integrity, and still many of us are seeking the strength of spiritual maturity that we have been denied.

My father, a minister, though kind and accepting of me and my friends, once referred to homosexuality as “delayed adolescence”. This must have been one of the theories of the day. My response to that was, because we were denied what, for us, was a normal adolescence, we were forced to start later. And because there was only an obscured path for us to follow, the going was slower as we haphazardly cut our way through the vines of prejudice and ignorance. 

I don’t remember being told that homosexuality was a bad thing. It simply wasn’t talked about. Once the issue was brought forth, the discussions started. The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule of our culture broke open and people were forced to look at us out in the open for the first time — and many folks didn’t like it. 

I stopped going to church when I came out. The United Church of Christ had never told me that I was no longer acceptable, but something inside of me said so. I began to research the various typically quoted passages that declare me “an abomination” and I became frightened. Society told me I had made the choice to be this way. I try to think back to when I consciously made that decision, and I wonder, at what point did THEY make that decision? Were they once considering being gay and decided that it would be a bad idea?

Several years ago I stumbled across the Cathedral of Hope (UCC) in Dallas, TX. They have a wonderful website as well as Daily Devotionals that speak to all of us, gay or not, and invite us back into the Christian family. But not all of us have direct access to a physical community, yet we long to.

If you come across this blog and would like to participate in discussing how we can change this, I welcome your comments.

I’m fairly certain that Jesus wouldn’t have kicked us out of HIS temple…